Well as always in my life when ever something starts to look up its sure to come raining down in a shit storm of depression.
Lets talk about the most prominent subject of my life of the last 3 weeks. Jesus. Yeah I know one of the last topics I would be likely to talk about. But ever since Joe took me to that crazy person rock church, things have been different. Like the day after when I started reading that book I mentioned in the last blog things have started to make sense somewhat. I've even subscribed to the podcast that they have of the sermons. Eric the lead pastor uses different technique to help you understand what exactly hes saying, although I still feel a bit reserved about devoting my life to this belief because I'm not sure I totally believe it yet. It seems odd but I keep thinking if I were to go to a pagan ritual or some other religious mass of some sort that I would have the same feelings about those religions. But I am starting to feel comfortable with Christianity and the Crossing Church, I just need some questions answered about homosexuality and how they see it. When I was younger, when I first started to notice my feelings towards members of my own sex, I tried so hard to believe in god, but it just felt as though god had turned its back on me. (I say it because I don't feel comfortable in addressing the Christian god as a man or a woman). I've even started listening to sermons on my commute to and from school, its kinda weird.
This part is an apology to my friend Nat. I'm sorry that I said what I did. I've had a lot of time to think things over and no I am not in love with you, although at the time I wrote that I fully believed that I was. In all reality you were simply the last guy that I had an extreme affection for. And I think Mel White in his book describes what I'm going through right now the best way. I'm in love with love. I was never actually in love with you I was just in love with the thought of being in love you. I'm sorry if this is still a bit awkward but its the best way I can say it.
Oddly I had met someone shortly after my last blog post. We were introduced through my cousin Emily. His name is Nathan, I know another Nathan! But he seemed genuinely into me and I was into him too, but not like a huge amount. I thought my feelings for him more interesting than anything else, because I didn't have those fantasy's of us in 10 years with a couple of kids and a dog in a house and what not. Nope not even once. And I thought that hey seeing as how the guys I do usually fantasize about like that are never interested in me like that, that maybe it was a good sign that maybe just maybe I could actually have a relationship with someone. So it was going alright we talked just about everyday for a week and then on the next Friday we went to go see Clash of the Titans. I thought it went fairly well for my first date ever. We went out to eat at the local pub type bar, had some burgers, unfortunately my family showed up there too. I am lucky how ever to have such a good big sister to rush my parents out of the bar when she noticed us. But after that we went for a walk in the city park and then to the movie. It was only a half-decent movie, for me anyway. Well we got back to my place hugged good bye, and just as he was going in for a kiss the outside lights flipped on and out comes my sister. I was ticked but hey what can you do? So we agreed to meet up again a Shooters tonight. But then all of the sudden things went wonkey. He hasn't said more than a few sentences to me since then.
Ofcourse this just makes me feel like shit! because I keep wondering what I did wrong. Which sends me into a depressed state and eventually into Auto-pilot. So I've spent the last few days on auto-pilot. just wondering what the hell happened.
It doesn't help ether that I have 2 of my final papers due next week ether. I started writing them both, but I think I need to redo my Ethics one its complete shit, and my drug in the community one needs some work too. So this weekend will be mostly devoted to getting those done.
On thing that has been on the up side is I have gotten addicted to this show from the BBC called Skins its like some kind of weird British Dawson's Creek. But its really good I encourage every one to watch it! I've already cleared 2 seasons of it on Netflix, and the 3rd isn't out yet... soooo I don't know how long I'll have to wait for that one.
Yellowstone in about a month, I'm scared, nervous, elated, i don't know.
I think I should try and take over the Playboy Empire. I think that would be fun.
well thats all folks
JD
Let It Go This Too Shall Pass.
